Insomnia

I used to think I was an insomniac.

I'm not. I just don't like to go to sleep at 9 pm.

Seems silly, but I was ready to try serious sleeping pills because if eleven rolled around and I was awake: PANIC! OMG I'm never going to sleep AGAIN!

And I wouldn't.

And then, clarity. I. Am. A. Night. Owl. For reals. I always have been, but I forgot, somewhere along the line. And I did have some justified and righteous sleepless nights, but the reason for them stopped and my own worry took over and then the worry was so big I couldn't see around it. So I went to my doctor and got a small prescription, for a sleep aid I took hesitantly. It seemed like a copout, but this had dragged on for years already, and I needed sleep!

And I got some, and my rested brain realized: I. Am. A. Night. Owl. I like being up in the dark, in the quiet. I have always loved reading my way to sleep, finishing a book and snuggling beneath covers to dream the story I just read. Or staying up late, talking deep talks and silly thoughts with friends until the conversation collapsed in exhaustion and stumble off into sleep we'd go...

And if I fall asleep between two and threeish am, and I wake at nine to stumble to the kitchen and feed the dogs and pour some coffee and start the day, I'm good. I feel...rested. Happy.

Yes, I will still pick an occasional too-long book that sends me to sleep to late, and I'll wake uber-groggy and a bit snarly. Or I'll have a thought my brain can't let go of--usually something I need to do, or should do, or would be a good idea to do, but that I am hesitant to do for one reason or another--that keeps me tossing and turning and disturbing the trying-to-sleep cats. But that is not insomnia. That's an occasional bad night.

The problem wasn't not being able to sleep, the problem was going to bed when I wasn't tired, which (hold back the surprise!) led to not sleeping right away, which led to the PANICS! and the not sleeping, ever.

But.

I am not, actually, an insomniac.

And the moral is: don't be afraid to ask for help. And medicine is often good for you, don't be afraid to take it. And, sometimes, you are just asking the wrong question.