Wish for my Teen

For my family one of the biggest and hardest lessons we teach our teen is dealing with the consequences of his own actions.



That is, often, easier said than done. It is hard to watch him not do what he needs (I want him) to do. It is hard to not prod and prompt and offer intermediate rewards, dangling a new video game in exchange for a cleaner room or completed schoolwork. But I try and resist, because failure is one of the most important learning tools we have, even though it is so hard to give our kids the chance they need to fail.

A bad day or week or month or even year doesn't have to be a disaster, there is time to recover: to homeschool over the summer and make up any lost credits, to get early enrollment at a college, to just adjust expectations and find a new path.

And so, if he knows that completing this week's work equals a trip to the beach for the weekend, and he chooses to not complete the work, that is his choice. He has decided the one wasn't worth the other, right now. Come the weekend, of course, the priorities change! But it is too late, and consequences are lived with. Because that is how life works.

And he doesn't benefit by me letting it go "just this once" or lowering expectations. Work is, you know, hard and stuff. It takes effort. But it has value, both for it's own sake and for the other things it brings. And sometimes, in the midst of a hormonal teenager's mind, that little bit gets lost.

When my teen asks me what I want for him I always say "For you to be healthy and happy; to have work that makes you feel good about doing it and supports you enough so your needs are met along with some wants; for you to find love with the person(s) of your choosing and to have a family if desired."

When he has a bad week or blows off school or changes his mind AGAIN about a course he wanted I remind myself that he has the right to choose his life, and that my job is to guide him, but not stop him from falling. He has to learn to look where he's going, and if his short-sightedness has an impact, all the better.

He has the right to fail, and the right to fail on his own terms. And the right to look around, absorb the lesson, and move on; wiser and stronger. And I do not have the right to take that away from him.

I'd rather he learn some serious lessons while home than wait until he gets to college and is away and alone...



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