On the Start of 10th Grade

This is it. My last free, school-less weekend. Until sometime next June. One last weekend.

Because next week we start 10th grade! And by "we" I mean my stepson. And me, because we homeschool. (And we are well socialized, thanks for asking!)

But after this weekend we have schedules and lesson plans and tests, oh my!

So I'm going to enjoy today, and tomorrow, by planning nothing...although if I plan to not plan, is that not planning?






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Positive Child Training

Before I became a parent I worked with dogs.

I say this because your typical positive dog training book is very applicable to parenting, and has the added benefit of being clearly written and easier to understand, and is filled with specific techniques for specific problems. Plus, pictures of dogs always makes me smile!

Shaping behavior happens in several ways: you offer something positive for a behavior you want or you offer something negative during a behavior you don't want, removing it immediately when the behavior stops. So, for example, you can buy a kid ice cream or say "Thank you" for cleaning up his room; or you can nagnagnag him until it gets done (the reward is the stopping of the nagging). You can also offer a punishment for not doing it (hand over the car keys!) or take away something good (turn off the TV until the room is clean).

What happens with dogs that doesn't seem to be discussed in parenting books is that every individual has different motivations, and if you aren't offering the right ones you are pretty doomed. So a chart may be fine for an organized personality but will shut down a disorganized one. Corrections, too, need to be tailored. One child only needs a simple "Sweetie, please stop" and they are fine, others need the threat of losing the car. Sometimes it's the same kid, just at different points of life.

I also think dog training is much more compassionate then many parenting books, because a correction is quick, immediate, and over. And then you show what the right thing to do is, and then you reward. There is never a long fight or sloppy emotional outbursts: everything is calm and centered and positive.

What does that look like with a kid? Okay: kid rolls eyes and makes sarcastic remark when asked to do dishes. My response: "That is not respectful. We address each other with kindness and respect. Your answer should be either 'Yes, right away' or 'Okay, but can I wait until this show is over.' Try again." Kid sighs, and then asks to finish watching the show, and--here is the important part--gets to finish watching. Now, yeah, I could march over and just turn off the TV and have a huge fight, but that doesn't get my dishes done. And since I want the immediate response from my kid to be a polite one, I need to reinforce that behavior until it's second nature.

Dog books also are huge on timing. Timing is everything. I reward immediately upon a desirable behavior happening. I mean, within seconds. Too often with children, especially young ones, are offered a reward so far removed from now that it isn't compelling. Getting ice cream after dinner is different than an immediate happy face and thank you.

(I recommend the book "Dont Shoot the Dog" by Karen Pryor. She actually wrote it as a general training book, but it always ends up in the dog section because of the title. Get this book.)

It will also show you how to examine your own behavior and really pay attention to what you are rewarding for, and what behaviors you are punishing for, and how we sometimes are doing the very wrong thing to get the results we want. For an excellent example: my mother trained dogs. And a woman brought her little dog over because (no joke) the dog was biting her toddler. Not just nipping, but latching on. And when asked about what she did when this happened, the woman, very seriously, explained that they only way the dog would let go is if they offered the dog a cookie.

I'll give you a few minutes to absorb that. Reread if you have to, it's really quite genius.

So the dog learned latch on=get cookie. And was constantly being reinforced for that behavior. And so often we reward the wrong behavior in those around us because we aren't paying attention to what is really going on. The lady in the tale I told didn't connect the biting to a desire for a cookie. And sometimes I don't connect my kid's tantrum with the math homework he doesn't want to do...so when he gets banished to his room he's actually been reinforced for the behavior, since it worked--it got him out of math homework. Or a guitar lesson he just isn't prepared for.

All behavior is communication. All of it. It isn't always communicating deep thoughts--sometimes a nose pick is just a nose pick--but it does speak loudly.

The real key is to ask yourself, constantly, "Is this working?", "Is this effective". Because if it isnt, why bother? I know I dont want to keep having the same fight over dirty clothes on the floor or dishes in the sink for the next 5 years. I want to change behavior. So my rule in trying something new is: If I don't see a change within a week-maybe a small change, but a change; or if it works, but makes my child dour and withdrawn, then it needs to stop or be modified.

And one more thing: the Rules are not the same thing as rewards and consequences. The Rule is that we don't hit. The consequences and training may be different for every child, but the Rule never changes.

In my home we have only five Rules:

You Must Be Respectful
You Must Be Safe
You Must Always Let Me Know Where You Are

And, of course, the Supreme Rules:
Rule 1. Darlene is always right.
Rule 2. If Darlene is wrong, see Rule 1.

Everything else is covered under these, and it helps keep communication clear.

So skip the parenting books and head over to the dog section...


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Slut Walk

So, there was this posting on Facebook about SlutWalk and someone (a woman) said, in the comments, this: "If you want to parade around in lingerie, that's your prerogative, but to me it seems a little counterproductive.

While rape isn't avoidable in every situation, I think it would do wonders if we all self-assessed the way we dress and act, and ask ourselves what kind of impression we're giving off to the world."


So, after I patched back together my exploded head, I said this:

No! If I walk around naked, that is NOT AN EXCUSE FOR RAPE. I can be a prostitute and THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR RAPE. I can be drunk and passed out in my underwear and that IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR RAPE. People get raped in their cars, by their husbands, by boyfriends and friends and relatives and in their homes and dorm rooms and offices and classroom...what 'common sense' can tell me that locking myself in a room and letting no one in is the safest thing to do? Because we ARE ALWAYS VULNERABLE TO RAPE. Always. Everywhere. Should I avoid the subway to avoid the inevitable gropings and rubbings? Never go on a date? Never wear anything that makes me attractive? No makeup? Wear a paper bag? Never be in the same room with a man or men?







The only thing that causes rape is BEING IN THE VICINITY OF A RAPIST. Period. Anyone who is suggesting anything else is using a form of rape-apology. Anyone who says "oh, it's the rapist fault, BUT..." is using a form of rape apology.

The impression I give to the world HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING RAPED. Grandmothers and nuns and children get raped, so can we all agree to drop the pretense that some people are somehow 'at fault' for being raped and move on to the startling fact that rapists cause rape, and stop the victim blaming-and-shaming.

Yup, Slut Walk is needed, because even women buy into the myth that what I wear contributes to being raped. That not dressing like a slut is some kind of magical protection.
__________________________

And then someone said this:
"While children, nuns, etc. DO get raped, I think it's fairly logical/reasonable to say that the ratio of skantily-clad drunk women in clubs who get raped is much higher than their nun/child counterparts, because they're engaging in risky behavior."

And my head, again, exploded.

And I ranted more, but this says it better:




The end.

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(I hope the images are okay to post, I found them doing searches, but if they aren't please let me know and I'll take them down)

Who Wants Normal?

As I was growing up I was taught--you might want to sit for this one--that being normal was something to be vaguely ashamed about. It showed no imagination, being like everyone else. It required following instead of leading.

My dad was a rebel in a suit and tie. He loved challenging deeply held beliefs, things I brought home from school, from church. He made me look at things from all sides, and then I could stick with it or not. But I had to examine it. I had to support and defend it.

And what I didn't like I was supposed to change. Or stop complaining about it. Those were my choices.

My Mom was a different type of rebel. She wore tees with feminist sayings, her boobs bouncing because she hated bras. She would, in the middle of a bank or library or restaurant, loudly challenge someone who had said something cruel or racist. She was a Jew, and had grown up with stories of how her family left Europe before Hitler reached them. She heard stories of the ones who didn't get out. And she knew that letting hate go unchallenged was the fastest way to see it happen again.

Someone mistreating an animal would find this small, round woman in their faces. She confronted parents, cops, random people: anyone doing evil, she'd say, needs to faced. She was fierce and fearless and brave.








So while, yeah, I wanted to wear what other kids were wearing and wanted a boyfriend when other girls had them, I also loved having the unpopular opinion. I took on teachers (and was backed by my father when I could convince him I was right, or at least not wrong), I was on the debate team, I sided with underdogs. I fought the system when I could.

So as a parent, albeit a step, I don't get why parents want their kids to fit in. To belong. To be just like everyone else. I always thought being different was cooler, that looking towards yourself for approval was healthier then looking to a peer group: especially a peer group of unsocialized* teens.

Stand out; do what's right, not what's popular; speak up for those who have no voice; be yourself; be different...

Normal requires no imagination, it's the stifling of imagination.



*Socialization: this word does not mean what you think it means. As a homeschooler I hear cries about it all. The. Time. Real socialization is teaching kids how to be adults. Kids have to be around adults to do this. Kids don't learn to be adults from other kids. Their most influential people should be the adults in their lives, not a bunch of kids who don't know anything. Just saying.


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Safe Playgrounds

So I was reading this post about playgrounds being too safe and all I could think of was the very unsafe, free range, happy childhood I had.

As someone who played tag on the roof of her house, climbed trees and rocks, and very often had three kids piled onto one bicycle (one on the handlebars, one on the seat, and one standing to pedal and steer) if there isn't a risk of hurt it's just not that much fun. What's the point? And what happens when there is real risk--like driving a car. How will our kids have any perspective of genuine risk assessment when they've never taken one?


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My teen

darlene (@dypineda)

My teen just kicked me out of the kitchen so he could clean up #mykidisAWESOME


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Blame the Victim?

So I read this post about "You're doing exactly what you want to do"

"So if you're not doing something, you may think you want to, but you don't really want to.
....
And to look at the reverse, it's also true that whatever you're doing right now, you want to be doing"

http://dramyjohnson.com/2011/07/youre-doing-exactly-what-you-want-to-do/

Nah, I'm waving the "Voice of Privilege" flag. I know plenty of people who actually do want to eat, but have no money. Who do want to work, but have few skills or live in an area where there just aren't any jobs. Plenty of people who would love to quit their soul-stealing jobs, but paying rent and buying enough food so their kid doesn't starve is more important. Woman who were pressed into prostitution, wives who are terrified of leaving their abusive spouse. People who'd like to go to a doctor but have no insurance and no money.

Crap like this is a blame the victim mentality, where those with privilege can sit back and ignore those who are struggling with the claim that they must want to be there.

And I have a friend who'd love to run a marathon, but his broken back won't let him, no matter how much he wants it.

Yes, yes, if you have the physical, financial, and mental abilty with no other extenuating circumstances then, yes, you probably could run that marathon if you wanted it bad enough. But much of our lives run on sheer luck: our financial status at birth, our race and gender, our mental capabilities, much of our personality...to imply that everyone could be an opera singer if they just tried hard enough...or a gymnast, or a pro-golfer, or whatever, discounts genetics and background and talents and ability to learn and the quality of schools and the racism or sexism one has faced and the environment one lives in and another hundred or so random factors that play a role in our lives.

I'm not going to sneer at the single mom who works two jobs to survive because she's to tired to go run a quick 15 miles to train for a marathon. It isn't about her wanting it bad enough, it's about having a life that has no room for what she wants. And that isn't just on her. Or him. L
______________

I'm also going to say that, having run a marathon, anyone who says it isn't hard or isn't an effort doesn't know what they are talking about. It's a year or more of training, of running 30-60 (or more) miles a week. Which a huge investment of time. I did one, and it was an effort. My husband runs at least one a year, about to run his sixth, and it is still hard, it's still an effort. Yes, he wants it, but that doesn't negate the amazing amounts of work and practice that go into it.

And to claim that it isn't hard or an effort both diminishes the experiences of those who did find it hard, and undermines the confidence of those who are trying and find it difficult and hard and an effort.
______________

The reply to my comment included this bit:

"My point is that it's still a choice. I don't believe the universe forces us into many corners in life. Our options may be limited but in most normal circumstances, we have some sort of choice we can make. The prostitute you say was forced into prostitution wasn't really forced. She may have seen no other way out—that's absolutely true. She may have FELT forced in her own mind, but she wasn't literally forced into the choice. She made the choice."

That almost made my head explode. Really, almost explode.

Because people are forced into prostitution. And if a person sees no other way out, how is she (or he) not being forced into the choice? Besides the fact that many people are literally forced...

To which I said (and I've corrected the typos here):

A choice between starving and a keeping a crappy job is not a choice.

And if you really think woman aren't forced into prostitution, I suggest you google white slavery and do some research. Woman (and men) are being brought into this and other countries and, yes, being forced into prostitution, under threats of death and violence. That isn't a choice. Nor is claiming a 14 yo runaway actually has a choice when picked up by a pimp, beaten and raped, and then put on the streets doing that because she wants it. That's a misogynistic, blame the victim attitude that is morally abhorrent.

This is coming from a very privileged place where decisions aren't made for you, and where you actually have options. But someone with depression or an addiction or cancer can't just will away the disease. The universe doesn't force us into any corners, our society does. Our environment does. Our gender and race and religion do. We so not have as many choices as you seem to think.

Because watch my child starve isn't a 'choice', that isn't a 'trade-off'. It is being forced into a situation where I am in a corner, where there is one option and maybe it isn't a good one.

Lucky for those who have money and privilege who never live in a world without choice.

This is no different than faith healing, and just as harmful. If you wanted to walk, you would have prayed harder. If you didn't want to get raped, you would have fought harder. You're a prostitute, unemployed, diseased, ill, starving because you wanted to be. Your fault.

You talk about 'normal circumstances', but those are actually privileged circumstances. There is nothing normal about them.
____________________

What really bothers me is that study after study show that what we think are autonomous decisions are heavily influenced by our surroundings. Starting with The Stanford Prison Experiment (http://www.prisonexp.org/) we see that people don't just decide to do things, they are nudged and influenced by everything around them. And to then put the weight of their decisions solely on them is unfair.

I see this very much in the talk around obesity and drug use and sexuality and even welfare and unemployment. There is this one attitude that all those people are there because they must want to be, they didn't do enough to not be there, and so we, as a society, have no reason to have any compassion towards them. They deserve what they get. Pregnant? That's what you get for being a slut, live with the consequences. Raped? Ditto. Fat? Forget about poverty and food deserts and safe places to exercise and being healthy even when overweight and another dozen or so things; you deserve to be dismissed by doctors and insulted by airlines and mocked by people on the street.

I am not saying there is no personal responsibility, I'm saying that it only one element among a myriad of factors. And this particular brand of "you don't want it enough" is damaging to hear.

What do you think?

Teaching the Gifted

This is a true story. Several true stories, actually.

Teacher to Parent of a gifted child: "Please stop letting your son learn math, he's getting too far ahead and soon I'll have nothing for him to do."

No, seriously. I know, when I first heard this, I thought for sure the teacher was joking. But parent after parent shared the same story: 

"Stop teaching your child."
"Don't let them learn anymore."
"If you let them get to far ahead they'll be bored in class."

This to parents of four and five year old kids. Little kids who are still sponges, absorbing everything.

"Don't let her read ahead in the book, you need to take it away when she's done with the assignment."

How does a parent STOP a kid from wanting to learning? And what happens when such terrible advice is ignored?

I understand that schools have limited resources, and that gifted programs and being slashed. I get that a teacher teaches to the average, and that it is rare to have a teacher with any experience with gifted kids, let alone the skills to manage such a child(ren). But any adult who can't provide some worksheets beyond basic addition  boggles the mind. And any school that tries to hold a child back instead of promoting them or finding a way to push them further is doing all their students a grave disservice.

I once joined a parent in an advocacy role, trying to get a very smart 2nd grader promoted to fourth instead of redoing the same stuff in third grade. I sat across from the principal who informed me that she "Didn't believe in grade promotion." 

First, every study done shows that grade promotion is a good thing. It can keep a child from completely turning off and dropping out, it provides advanced materials and academic peers, and it provides a more appropriate education.

Second, it exists. Grade promotion is a real and true thing. It doesn't matter if principal "believes" in it, it still exists. Unlike ESP or ghosts or big foot, it is not a question of belief.



Which tells me this particular principle did not keep up with educational studies; did not follow the science; and did not even have a true understanding of the vocabulary she used. And she has been failing to meet the needs of the children under her care for the entire 20 years of her career. 

So, keep 'em all on the same road. Don't deviate, don't allow for the natural range of talent and skill. And outliers must be punished.

Because what happens when a parent can't figure out how to stop her child from learning?

Well, for one Mother, an arrest. Yes, you read that correctly. A mother was arrested for "Endangering the Welfare of a Minor". What did this terrible mother do? Let her four year old learn more math than his kindergarten teacher was able to handle.

A teacher was so angry that a student was learning she asked for legal intervention: TO STOP THE STUDENT FROM LEARNING. Got that? Are we clear now?

So the next time the school system complains about disinterested students, remind them where those students learned it from...