Positive Child Training

Before I became a parent I worked with dogs.

I say this because your typical positive dog training book is very applicable to parenting, and has the added benefit of being clearly written and easier to understand, and is filled with specific techniques for specific problems. Plus, pictures of dogs always makes me smile!

Shaping behavior happens in several ways: you offer something positive for a behavior you want or you offer something negative during a behavior you don't want, removing it immediately when the behavior stops. So, for example, you can buy a kid ice cream or say "Thank you" for cleaning up his room; or you can nagnagnag him until it gets done (the reward is the stopping of the nagging). You can also offer a punishment for not doing it (hand over the car keys!) or take away something good (turn off the TV until the room is clean).

What happens with dogs that doesn't seem to be discussed in parenting books is that every individual has different motivations, and if you aren't offering the right ones you are pretty doomed. So a chart may be fine for an organized personality but will shut down a disorganized one. Corrections, too, need to be tailored. One child only needs a simple "Sweetie, please stop" and they are fine, others need the threat of losing the car. Sometimes it's the same kid, just at different points of life.

I also think dog training is much more compassionate then many parenting books, because a correction is quick, immediate, and over. And then you show what the right thing to do is, and then you reward. There is never a long fight or sloppy emotional outbursts: everything is calm and centered and positive.

What does that look like with a kid? Okay: kid rolls eyes and makes sarcastic remark when asked to do dishes. My response: "That is not respectful. We address each other with kindness and respect. Your answer should be either 'Yes, right away' or 'Okay, but can I wait until this show is over.' Try again." Kid sighs, and then asks to finish watching the show, and--here is the important part--gets to finish watching. Now, yeah, I could march over and just turn off the TV and have a huge fight, but that doesn't get my dishes done. And since I want the immediate response from my kid to be a polite one, I need to reinforce that behavior until it's second nature.

Dog books also are huge on timing. Timing is everything. I reward immediately upon a desirable behavior happening. I mean, within seconds. Too often with children, especially young ones, are offered a reward so far removed from now that it isn't compelling. Getting ice cream after dinner is different than an immediate happy face and thank you.

(I recommend the book "Dont Shoot the Dog" by Karen Pryor. She actually wrote it as a general training book, but it always ends up in the dog section because of the title. Get this book.)

It will also show you how to examine your own behavior and really pay attention to what you are rewarding for, and what behaviors you are punishing for, and how we sometimes are doing the very wrong thing to get the results we want. For an excellent example: my mother trained dogs. And a woman brought her little dog over because (no joke) the dog was biting her toddler. Not just nipping, but latching on. And when asked about what she did when this happened, the woman, very seriously, explained that they only way the dog would let go is if they offered the dog a cookie.

I'll give you a few minutes to absorb that. Reread if you have to, it's really quite genius.

So the dog learned latch on=get cookie. And was constantly being reinforced for that behavior. And so often we reward the wrong behavior in those around us because we aren't paying attention to what is really going on. The lady in the tale I told didn't connect the biting to a desire for a cookie. And sometimes I don't connect my kid's tantrum with the math homework he doesn't want to do...so when he gets banished to his room he's actually been reinforced for the behavior, since it worked--it got him out of math homework. Or a guitar lesson he just isn't prepared for.

All behavior is communication. All of it. It isn't always communicating deep thoughts--sometimes a nose pick is just a nose pick--but it does speak loudly.

The real key is to ask yourself, constantly, "Is this working?", "Is this effective". Because if it isnt, why bother? I know I dont want to keep having the same fight over dirty clothes on the floor or dishes in the sink for the next 5 years. I want to change behavior. So my rule in trying something new is: If I don't see a change within a week-maybe a small change, but a change; or if it works, but makes my child dour and withdrawn, then it needs to stop or be modified.

And one more thing: the Rules are not the same thing as rewards and consequences. The Rule is that we don't hit. The consequences and training may be different for every child, but the Rule never changes.

In my home we have only five Rules:

You Must Be Respectful
You Must Be Safe
You Must Always Let Me Know Where You Are

And, of course, the Supreme Rules:
Rule 1. Darlene is always right.
Rule 2. If Darlene is wrong, see Rule 1.

Everything else is covered under these, and it helps keep communication clear.

So skip the parenting books and head over to the dog section...


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