"So if you're not doing something, you may think you want to, but you don't really want to.
....
And to look at the reverse, it's also true that whatever you're doing right now, you want to be doing"
http://dramyjohnson.com/2011/07/youre-doing-exactly-what-you-want-to-do/
Nah, I'm waving the "Voice of Privilege" flag. I know plenty of people who actually do want to eat, but have no money. Who do want to work, but have few skills or live in an area where there just aren't any jobs. Plenty of people who would love to quit their soul-stealing jobs, but paying rent and buying enough food so their kid doesn't starve is more important. Woman who were pressed into prostitution, wives who are terrified of leaving their abusive spouse. People who'd like to go to a doctor but have no insurance and no money.
Crap like this is a blame the victim mentality, where those with privilege can sit back and ignore those who are struggling with the claim that they must want to be there.
And I have a friend who'd love to run a marathon, but his broken back won't let him, no matter how much he wants it.
Yes, yes, if you have the physical, financial, and mental abilty with no other extenuating circumstances then, yes, you probably could run that marathon if you wanted it bad enough. But much of our lives run on sheer luck: our financial status at birth, our race and gender, our mental capabilities, much of our personality...to imply that everyone could be an opera singer if they just tried hard enough...or a gymnast, or a pro-golfer, or whatever, discounts genetics and background and talents and ability to learn and the quality of schools and the racism or sexism one has faced and the environment one lives in and another hundred or so random factors that play a role in our lives.
I'm not going to sneer at the single mom who works two jobs to survive because she's to tired to go run a quick 15 miles to train for a marathon. It isn't about her wanting it bad enough, it's about having a life that has no room for what she wants. And that isn't just on her. Or him. L
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I'm also going to say that, having run a marathon, anyone who says it isn't hard or isn't an effort doesn't know what they are talking about. It's a year or more of training, of running 30-60 (or more) miles a week. Which a huge investment of time. I did one, and it was an effort. My husband runs at least one a year, about to run his sixth, and it is still hard, it's still an effort. Yes, he wants it, but that doesn't negate the amazing amounts of work and practice that go into it.
And to claim that it isn't hard or an effort both diminishes the experiences of those who did find it hard, and undermines the confidence of those who are trying and find it difficult and hard and an effort.
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The reply to my comment included this bit:
"My point is that it's still a choice. I don't believe the universe forces us into many corners in life. Our options may be limited but in most normal circumstances, we have some sort of choice we can make. The prostitute you say was forced into prostitution wasn't really forced. She may have seen no other way out—that's absolutely true. She may have FELT forced in her own mind, but she wasn't literally forced into the choice. She made the choice."
That almost made my head explode. Really, almost explode.
Because people are forced into prostitution. And if a person sees no other way out, how is she (or he) not being forced into the choice? Besides the fact that many people are literally forced...
To which I said (and I've corrected the typos here):
A choice between starving and a keeping a crappy job is not a choice.
And if you really think woman aren't forced into prostitution, I suggest you google white slavery and do some research. Woman (and men) are being brought into this and other countries and, yes, being forced into prostitution, under threats of death and violence. That isn't a choice. Nor is claiming a 14 yo runaway actually has a choice when picked up by a pimp, beaten and raped, and then put on the streets doing that because she wants it. That's a misogynistic, blame the victim attitude that is morally abhorrent.
This is coming from a very privileged place where decisions aren't made for you, and where you actually have options. But someone with depression or an addiction or cancer can't just will away the disease. The universe doesn't force us into any corners, our society does. Our environment does. Our gender and race and religion do. We so not have as many choices as you seem to think.
Because watch my child starve isn't a 'choice', that isn't a 'trade-off'. It is being forced into a situation where I am in a corner, where there is one option and maybe it isn't a good one.
Lucky for those who have money and privilege who never live in a world without choice.
This is no different than faith healing, and just as harmful. If you wanted to walk, you would have prayed harder. If you didn't want to get raped, you would have fought harder. You're a prostitute, unemployed, diseased, ill, starving because you wanted to be. Your fault.
You talk about 'normal circumstances', but those are actually privileged circumstances. There is nothing normal about them.
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What really bothers me is that study after study show that what we think are autonomous decisions are heavily influenced by our surroundings. Starting with The Stanford Prison Experiment (http://www.prisonexp.org/) we see that people don't just decide to do things, they are nudged and influenced by everything around them. And to then put the weight of their decisions solely on them is unfair.
I see this very much in the talk around obesity and drug use and sexuality and even welfare and unemployment. There is this one attitude that all those people are there because they must want to be, they didn't do enough to not be there, and so we, as a society, have no reason to have any compassion towards them. They deserve what they get. Pregnant? That's what you get for being a slut, live with the consequences. Raped? Ditto. Fat? Forget about poverty and food deserts and safe places to exercise and being healthy even when overweight and another dozen or so things; you deserve to be dismissed by doctors and insulted by airlines and mocked by people on the street.
I am not saying there is no personal responsibility, I'm saying that it only one element among a myriad of factors. And this particular brand of "you don't want it enough" is damaging to hear.
What do you think?
I will never understand this judgmental, victim blaming, privileged attitude. Admittedly, the majority of people I see spreading bullshit propaganda like that are people who have never known true adversity. Oh, sure, they may have had to bust their asses to rise form their lower middle class roots, but after the journey, nearly all of them forget the help and resources they had along the way.
ReplyDeleteMy father was an abusive, controlling, manipulative sociopath. It took my mother years to get out of that situation, and believe me, it wasn't because she did want it badly enough. It was because circumstances had made her entirely dependent on a man she feared would further hurt her children if she "stepped out of line." I grew up in that household, not because my mother wanted me to, but because she wanted to make sure that when we made a break, it was a safe, clean break.
My older brother, Brandon, drown when I was very young. I guess he should have fought harder? Kicked harder? I guess my uncle should have performed some more effective version of CPR? That the doctors should have been more aggressive in trying to save him? Apparently, my brother wanted to die. He committed suicide, and my mother, my father, my uncle, and the doctors wanted to let him go. It was a voluntarily conspiracy to let a child die.
Of course not! That kind of thinking is asinine, as is any attempt to set some kind of universal standard by that "logic."
Hard work, determination, and testicular fortitude can get you a lot of places--but only so far as the circumstances beyond your control will let them carry you.
You know, that thing bothered me when Steph posted it and it bothers me even more now after reading "Dr. Amy's" facile, asinine responses. And your second response isn't posted there; I guess facts would interfere with her "coaching".
ReplyDeleteThis is why I say fundamentalist New Ageism is just as bad as fundamentalist Christianity.
ReplyDeleteHere's the even more bottom line than prostitution: Kids who are raped at home or beaten at home sure as hell did not choose that. And don't tell me their past life karma chose it for them, either.